what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
