Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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