it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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