I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
