In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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