No awkward lesbian experiences without me
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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