you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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