He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
