I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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