I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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