I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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