You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
