The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
