I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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