walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
