I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
