you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
