My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
