Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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