Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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