So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
