Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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