if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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