I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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