with your own penis?
Just cropdusted the office
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
