in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Come back. Shots need mouths.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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