i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
