mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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