Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
