Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
