I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
