wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
