Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
