It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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