I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
