it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
