When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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