Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
