Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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