Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
