Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
