farters have to be the big spoon...
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
