I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
