I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
