if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
