Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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