He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
