if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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