i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
