It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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