he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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