Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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